Transcript — Stephen Colbert

The final segment on Stephen Colbert's show tonight was a gem, worth transcribing and sharing. And it works just as well in writing as it does on TV. It's called "The Most Poetic Fucking Thing I've Ever Heard":

People are often surprised to find I have a sensitive side. And I'm not just talking about my back covered in bedsoars. I loves me sleep. And as a sensitive man, it was time I told you about the most poetic fucking thing I've ever heard.

[ Cue strings, harps, sprinkly sparkly sounds; image of a couple silhouetted against a sunset on a beach, an alpine mountaintop, a sunflower and sunflower buds, reeds shifting in the breeze on a coast before an ocean sunset; text in hyper-curly cursive font: "The Most Poetic F@#king Thing I've Ever Heard" ]

It's hamisaratoides heiroglyphica, a newly discovered moth that, quote, alights on the neck of a sleeping magpie and drinks the bird's tears.

I've never heard of anything more deserving of rhyme. It's right up there with the greatest works of Byron, Shelley, and that extraordinary young man from Nantucket.

Sorry, Raven, now you're only second on my list of all-time most poetic birds.

[ Cut to chart ]

All-Time Most Poetic Birds
1. Magpie
2. Raven
3. Mourning Dove
4. Nightingale
5. Turquoise-Browed Motmot

[ Cut back to Colbert ]

Turquoise-browed motmot, ball's in your court.

Because I've heard of unicorns galloping to the moon on rainbow-covered bridges paved with baby's dreams.

But moths that drink the tears of sleeping magpies? That's the most poetic fucking thing I've ever heard.

[ Repeat segment-title montage ]

And that's our show, ladies and gentlemen. Good night.

Comments

[Jenny from the Blog]

Sweet. Awfully sweet...

[Eli]

Ah. This would explain why my post on that subject has been getting so many Google hits lately (on my old blog, anyway - Google doesn't seem to like my new one)...

[Kai]

Eli, hey maybe Colbert reads Multi-Medium...?!